Sunday, October 15, 2006
15th October 2006
This update of the P-man saga was brought to us by a valuable member of the Punjabi community who is also interested in weeding out this meddling mismanager.
The boss has left for an overseas course for 2 months. He is due back only end November. So, while he was away, he has diverted all his internal e-mail to the P-Man as he is the next highest ranking dude in the office. There are only 3 in the office. Now, P-Man is the acting boss. But act like a boss he doesn't.
Every single day, the P-Man logs on at home and floods my boss's Yahoo mail account with queries on how to handle this and how to do that and what to say to whom. As can be seen, being a leader is just not his cup of tea.
Recently however a highly confidential e-mail landed in the P-Man's account due to it being forwarded from my boss's dormant account. This e-mail was actually regarding promotion and ranking and would list the estimated potential and current performance indicator of the P-Man. Needless to say, the P-Man, King of Rules and Regulations still double clicked and broke a fundamental "confidentiality" law. Looks like to him, the rules can be bent if it suits his selfish needs.
The P-Man thus read that he was ranked at a level of P4. This is the lowest level u can hit, the best being P1. P-Man's expression was priceless. P-Man's reaction was to blame the previous boss for evaluating his performance badly and moaning about his plight.
P-Man still has 3 years left till he retires and he has zero chance of being promoted to a higher rank. Let us pray that he chooses voluntary early retirement. Though, that is not a very likely option because he has no chance in hell in getting this kinda money in the corporate world.
Monday, August 14, 2006
14th August 2006
It is with sad news that I pen this. I've already left work for all but 8 days. And yet, news about the P-Man streams to me everyday via others who share the same level.
My boss is still hot on the heels of the legendary "worker". The "legend" is still making poor ML stay beyond 530 on most days to do his work for him. I wouldn't term it as his work. I'd just term it as pure stupidity to realize only at 5 pm that it should have been accomplished at 12 pm.
Alas, I am not there to lend my "guidance" i.e. coal in the fire
I'm awaiting more updates. Wait with me will ya?
Saturday, August 05, 2006
5th August 2006
I'm stuck in a real moral dilemma now. My boss last night needed me to seperate him from the P-man and take him down for beer. Yes, it was Friday and cos of the Big P, we had to put in OT till 9 pm to cover his shit.
I quote him: "NNB, that bastard. I actually used the F word on one of my men you know. It's been bloody 20 years since I've ever done that. I really can't take this anymore la."
Now, he wants me to write an "objective" assessment of the P-man's workability as an employee of my organization. Sounds very "pour sand into the rice bowl" to me. I think I'll abstain. If fate wills it, what I do or don't do will make the end result the same anyway. But my boss had a different way of putting it across to me.
Boss: Remember the movie Spiderman?
Boss: You know that part where Spiderman will let the robber go, help him actually, but later cos of him his uncle will die?
Boss: Yeah la, I need to kill THIS robber to save all the rest of the future "uncles" he MIGHT kill throughout the rest of his career.
Me: Wah seh. You also creative ah Sir. Amazing what 5 cans of beer does to our imagination. I see how la, I scared karma.
Boss: Why you scared? I'm Buddhist, I can teach you bout Karma. Trust me. In this situation, Karma is on my account because I'm the one who's gonna perform the action what. You just provide a little bit of input just to see if what I think tallies with what you think.
2nd August 2006
As Bernard/Lawrence/Me/Unknown Encik concurred last night:
"It's all in the game. There are no 2 ways about it, you pack of balls"
What followed is immaterial but I'll include it anyway:
Q: "Shall we get the P-man drunk on his customary limit of 6 cans of beer and strip him to do a bar top dance?"
A: "Nah, why bar top. We strip him and ask him to teach us how to walk on water"
[The swimming pool is strategically located 3 metres from the tables we drink at]
I actually don't want no part of this. So, when the day comes, this Friday actually. I'm gonna sit and sip or gulp or what not I'm forced to do, and just close my eyes slowly slowly and go to imaginary drunken sleep when the festivities begin. Death by "walking on water" is just not the extent to which I hate him.
1st August 2006
Anyhow, just to keep the momentum going, I wanna today collate a few quotes about the P-man. Painstakingly collected, some gradually eased into the mood, some couldn't wait to put it down on pen and paper for me. Yes, its true. I had a paper in my left breast pocket just to collect quotes. Now aint this good effort. The things I do for you.
Quotable Quotes bout the P-unani
Sherwin: "Infinity cannot be understood by the finite mind" [philosophical, but dig deep and uncover the truth]
ML: "He is an MF with a FF" [MF - motherfucker, FF - fuck face]
Weiyong: "I fucking hate the way he mumbles when he talks" [Referring to urm urm urm yes sir, no sir, 3 black fools sir, one for my master, one for my dame and one for my brain that lives down the lane]
Boss: "I'm gonna fuck him."
Old Boss: "With people like him, how to fight war?!?!"
Rajes: "Only 1 word can describe him. Incorrigible"
CC: "One more time he comes and uses our printer, I'm gonna complain to my boss"
Edison: "I have zero respect for that bastard. Lucky not outside ah, I sure whack him"
Canteen Uncle: "Ya, that guy ah, KNN where got people go for breakfast at 11 then continue on to lunch then go for tea break at 4 and continue on till end of work day?"
Canteen Auntie: "Actually, he still owes me money for that Tau Sar Pau he took that time"
Enough? Now me.
ME: "What a nice quaint old soul he is. So zen in nature. Ah, we need 100,000 more P-mans to heal the world and make it a better place."
Yes. I'm soft. I know. What to do. Let bygones be bygones. If only he'd accidentally spray Baygon in his rice and keel over instead of making me spout such lies about his good nature.
31st July 2006
It is 530 pm, and pouring heavily. Everyone who is smart enough has predicted the rain and left. Only me and Weiyong, remain in office, being diligent D for Discipline workers.
The P man walks in:
P: Raining heavily, aren't you guys going back?
WY: Yeah, in a while.
P: OK, I take one of these umbrellas ok?[FYI, there are only 2 umbrellas in office. One blue (mine) one red (ML's)]
Me: No, cannot.
P: Just let me borrow cos it's raining.
Me: Is it you are blind? There are two of us here, we are gonna walk out to take public transport, we need the fuckin umbrellas! You want one of us to get wet in the rain just so you can use one of the umbrellas to walk from this building to the bloody carpark which is 10 metres away?!!!!
P: Urmz, sorry.
Me/WY: [shake head in utter disbelief]
As it is, there are not enough computers for personnel in my office. One is with my boss and the other is shared by ML, P man and me. So, P man loves to run off to the 5th floor, citing this shortage as a reason. But today, I beat him at his game, and lo and behold I found another ally in this small war.
Up in the 5th floor in Henry's office, I is already at the computer tapping away, when the P man walks in:
P: Morning, can I use the computer.[stands on tiptoes to look beyond the partition, sees me, abruptly u-turns]
Henry: Why, use la, who is there?[peeps over and sees me]
Henry: Oh Sir, you are always welcome! [pointing at P man] You ah, just get lost la, go back your own office.
P: Urmz, ok Sir. Sorry.
Me/Henry: High 5. Lets go for a smoke.
Aftermath: I just leave my card logged into the terminal while the P man runs around looking for a terminal to clear his work that he just got fucked by my Boss for. You want that story? Read on below.
Boss: Where's the monthly report?
P: Ah, sir, almost done with it, I send it to you next week.
Boss: Next week! Now is only Monday, you take 7 days to type one report ah? Shanker can churn one out for me in 2 hours you know?
P: Ah, sorry sir, end of this weekBoss: You siao ah? End of this week, you type like tortoise is it? Don't make me angry ah?
P: Sorry sir Sorry sir, I get it done by today or tomorrow.
Boss: You better! Anyway where's your handphone?
P: Ah sir, my wife is holding on to it.
Boss: So, you didnt see the sms I sent over the weekend?
P: Ah, yes I saw
Boss: So, you read the sms, and you didn't bother replying and you also didnt bother asking me first thing in the morning whether that matter is resolved la?
P: Aaaaaaaaah, ummmmmmmmmm, ehhhhhhhhh.
Boss: I'm gonna FUCK you understand!
P: Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir, Sorry sir!
Wah, now I really inspired. I shall tell you another anecdote where I only received the true story this morning.
Our cookhouse caught fire last weekend. Apparently one of the cooks was negligent and thus the kwali with oil went up in flames. The "heroes" who were nearby attempted to put down the fire by pouring water. Any fire trained idiot knows that water is the last thing you throw on oil. It only fans the flames further and makes it spread. Total damage was $40,000. The "heroes" apparently are gonna get medals for their bravery and decisive action. These are the times we live in.
Nevertheless, the supervisor of the place was at TTSH that fateful morning. And who else was at TTSH but the P man. Apparently his wife had some check up. Once the SMS came through, the supervisor informed P man too. Cos, we're the Safety Office, and a fire is damn bloody well safety related. Look on for incident report:
Sup: Eh, cookhouse caught fire la. Damn, I need to rush back to camp now.
P: Is it? Wah, is it bad?
Sup: Yeah, you also come along la. This is related to your office what, its good for you to be onhand in the situation. [In fact, my boss was already activated and was back in camp to survey the damages]
P: No la cannot.
P: Urmz, cos I with my wife here la. I can't go back. Just say you didnt see me.
Sup: Wah, you damn bloody "chao keng". On normal days, you pinpoint and nitpick about every damn fuck thing that is NOT wrong. And now, something really is wrong you are tryin to "siam".
P: Cannot la, my wife will scold me.
Sup: At least can you drop me off outside camp then proceed on back home cos I need to be back there, its an emergency.
P: No la, you just make your own way there, it's very out of the way for me. Take the train then a bus la. Pretty fast.
Sup: Shakes head. Ah, fuck it. Bye!
Now, do you see where all my hate stems from. I promise I didn't exaggerate any single incident or dialogue. Everything I've narrated DID happen word for word, verbatim.
Is you feel my pain?
28th July 2006
Did I happen to mention that the P-man figuratively shot me with a water gun but I've responded with my water plasma cannon?
He is now under 6 months of probation, to pull up his socks and buck the fuck up. If not, my boss is "letting him go" with "great regret". Cue: One of those "we regret to inform you that...." kinda professional letters arriving. Not entirely coincidental, but there have been others enquiring about his job, promoting themselves to my boss saying they would love to work there and under my boss. My boss has a solid rep throughout the country and I'm glad he's my new godfather. I would still like to take full credit for all the "professional" anxieties the motherfucker is facing now. Not that he didn't manage to piss me off on Thurs and today.
It was 530. The fucker had been sitting at his computer terminal tapping away since 8 in the morning. Acting like a good child. Thinking I didn't know that when I had stepped out for a tea break my boss had taken the opportunity to fuck him up big big time. This is when he let him know about the probationary period. So, the fucker sat until 5 in the evening. My boss had left at 1 for an event, so it was only me and him. Needless to say, I stayed out of the office most of the time.
At 5, he wakes up. I hear my email ring. I see something sent out by him. Lemme get this straight, you tap away from 8 to 5 and you send out one puny email that even my younger brother could have dictated to you in 2 mins flat? You must be fuckin joking. Blood boil liao.
At 530 he returns. I'm waiting for Clement cos he stays next to me and said he'd send me back. I bother to wait cos its pouring outside. And no, I don't fancy "swwwwwwwinging in the rain" today. Fucker comes to me and speaks his first words for almost 3 weeks:
P-man: What time are you leaving Sir?
Me: Later, maybe bout 6. You go first.
P-man: Errrrm, cos I need to rush off now.
Me: Go la, who's stopping you?
P-man: Urmz, cos need to lock the office up when we leave?
Me: Why? Anything here to steal meh? Your waterbottle ah? KNN outside already got security system what. Who gonna come here?
P-man: But still need to...why don't I leave my key with you then you lock and go?
Me: You gimme your key, but morning I come later than you. Then how you gonna come in? Don't make trouble la, just go home.
P-man: But need to lock!
[take out phone sms boss "Sir, i wanna leave the door unlocked. Any issues?".][ Reply: "OK"][show message and reply to motherfucker]
P-man: Oh, but still need to lock. That is the procedure.
Me: Are you gonna fuck off or not?
P-man: [takes out key from his keyring, places on my table] Please lock and go Sir. Ok bye.
[leave the key at the exact same spot where he left it. Wake up. Go down for a beer to wait for Clement leaving the door UNLOCKED]
Today la. ML is on 1/2 day off cos he went over yesterday to another place to help them do some shit work. i.e. carry things, put down things. In my workplace, manpower and labour is always "tai-chied" to the lower ones. Poor thing la he but at least get the off ma. Again, good boss! My boss also got something on in the afternoon, some meeting or the other. The entire level also won't be around. They got some cohesion day bullshit. Just an excuse to go bowling on a Friday la. So, this is a virtual nightmare. Me and the P-man, alone in the entire level. NEVVVVVVVVER!!! I cleared half day leave.
So, just before I left. I talked to my boss bout next week and how I'll only be working 3 days out of 5. Reconfirmed that me and him are going drinking next Friday. Also, did another "good deed" of "intiative" by repairing the light motion sensor in the office. And went around shouting "ORD lohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" even to people I didn't know.
I came back and ML was packing to leave. P-man knew he was the only one gonna be left so he had a sulky face. The "why i must work when others don't" face. Fuck him la! NNBCCB! Then he started asking pointedly insane questions. An example is the final showdown of the week, I'd like to do one better next week though. Here goes:
P-man: Urmz, ML what are all these?
ML: Oh, these are metal stands, I took it from that place cos that other fella needed it, now don't need it, so keep in our office first.
ME: [stupid question piqued my interest, dropped what I was doing to listen]
P-man: Oh, then can you arrange to return it?
ML: Yeah, returning on Monday.
P-man: Actually, who asked to borrow it?Me: He fucking told you just now already right?P-man: Oh, yes. So, can you give a call to them saying you want to return it on Monday?
ML: No need to call la, just go and give. So leceh.
P-man: No you must. To give them a headsup blah blah blah.
Me: Eh, fuck you understand. He already said he giving on Monday right. And I know those people, don't need to call like an amateur all. Anyway why you poking your nose in this now? What is your issue with these stands?
P-man: [After an elongated silence] They're an eyesore.
Me: One more motherfucking time you try and stir something stupid cos you feel your bloody eyes can't handle it. You look away. Not disturb ML.
P-man: How can you talk to me like that?
Me: [pick up the phone, dial Boss, say "Eh sir ah, this P man not happy the stands are here. Shall I ask him to carry them back to *** during lunchtime or in the afternoon?]
[Boss: Yes, make him do that.]
Me: Nah, talk to Boss.
P-man: But but but Sir...I got back pain. I this I that. I medical, I can't carry.
Me: [from the background] Oh Sir, I get for him one trolley no problem. Then no need carry, just walk along pushing only.
[Boss: Yes, P-man, do that. Ciao.]Is it I and ML happily skipped out of office? He happy cos he got 1/2 day, his very first. I happy cos my cannon has blasted and I get to bring my shopping goodies back home?
Ah, what a good day I think it's gonna be. I shall go temple later to offer thanks. The birth of the week has somewhat turned my luck around, in more ways than one.
25th July 2006
I waltz into work and realize my boss is not going to be in the whole day. So, we go for breakfast and whacked some scrumptious mee rebus. All I did was enquire about the health of one of the auntie's daughter, and I is now branded a auntie tackler. But still poor thing la that woman, apparently her kid has had flu symptoms for over a month and she has already spent 700 over dollars on medical fees both GP and hospitals.
When we get back, I stop by for a smoke and ML calls and sounds breathless. "The P man is in!". I say "Hahahahahhaa. We gonna have a fun day."
I walk in to see him in his civvies. Tapping away at the keyboard. Last evening my boss called ML and enquired about that particular piece of work that the dumb fuck P-man has yet to clear. See, P-motherfucker-man, shot out an email regarding some thing that required 10 over parties to reply. He didn't attach a format to reply with and he went on his 14 day long leave the very next day. This means me, ML, Boss, have had to handle phone calls and reply emails on his behalf all the goddamn time he was gone, without a clue as to what he could have meant in the email cos the BASTARD didn't bother keeping us in the loop.
Last night, my boss replied just one thing. "I'm gonna FUCK him!". ML and me was in hyper-joy mood. So, this morning the prick sits down and reads email and I think to myself, ok, the fucker has learnt his lesson, he's gonna send out the necessary stuff. Time now is 0830 Hours.
I sit and observe him. ML goes jalan jalan. At about 0845H, P man picks up the phone and dials furiously. Thinking its something related to the issue and not wanting to be caught unawares, I pick up the other line and listen in. This was how the conversation went:
P: Hi, Ms. ***, regarding this Open House in September ah... can I check if can bring family members?
***: Nah, only for internal personnnel
P: You mean, nephew and niece also cannot ah, they will stop ah?
***: Yeah la, written clearly right, for internal consumption only!
P: Oh ok, thanks.
So, the MOTHERFUCKER, makes such an urgent phone call to ask if his blood-tie motherfuckers can come attend a free event instead of handling business at hand. My blood is was boiling. I wait on. At 0915H, he logs out. Wakes up. ML walks in. And the mother peh pundei has the bloody cheek to ask ML to send out a mail to remind the 5-6 parties who hadn't replied yet regarding his issue. Wah lan eh! How can like that? Then he left abruptly, stating that he will be back after 530 to do more work. Anything la, please fuck off.
Once he was safely out of the premises. I got on the phone with my Boss, explained that we're still at Square One and that I will help him solve the problem as far as I can. He replied: "Thanks man! I'm gonna FUCK him!". Solid stuff big man.
So, I finished up my high profile paper, writing a paper is such hard work, not cos of the content but cos of the damn formatting. 12 pt fonts la, double space la, tabbing la, paragraphing la, distribution list la, address la, annexes la. KNN! Why can't some bimbo secretary do the necessary for me while I just dictate. Haiz. No point having a rank. It means shit unless you are a MS Word/Excel/Powerpoint expert too.
Did the P man return after office hours?
Did he send out another email of his own, which would mirror what ML and me already sent out earlier on, thus making us look like fools?
Did he realize he didn't get the email me and ML sent out cos his motherfucking mailbox was full?
Did he not KNOW that MS Outlook has an "Out of Office" option and he could actually forward his mail to ML while he was gallivanting during his leave?
Did he realize Boss is gonna fry his ass when he walks in on Thursday?
Did he remember to send out his resumes to the different factories in Yishun Industrial Park, cos he's gonna be out of a job real soon?
Did he not?
Stay tuned. Adventures of the P Man continues tomorrow. I'll try and update the story at noon if I'm free enough. But nah, my boss is in. I gotta work on my backstabbing a bit more. Face to face coupled with pained exasperating expressions is always better than on the phone and SMS.
"Hit you so severe, Your vengeance need not be feared."
24th July 2006
Is it that I have out-Ped the P man?
Is it that even though he was on leave for about 15 days, he came back in the evenings on approximately 5 days just to clear his work?
Is it that the order to come back was due to me having some "tactical" discussions with my Boss?
Is it that if you is touch me once I will touch you thrice?
4th July 2006
A damn load on my chest since Friday when I realized the P-man has really gone overboard this time. Complaining to the NEW boss AND the OLD boss in one single day. Impudence. So, after 2 hours of sleep, almost 2 la, 0530 to 0700, I is changed and ran for office wondering if I am gonna be back home sleeping at 6 in the evening or spending it doing check in proceedings at a very reputed detention place [read: jail-like].
Credit to me, I did inform my mum though. Apart from the countless nights out where I've told her to just not call me when I'm halfway through my Chivas, I think she at least deserved to know, I might be kissing a cold cell floor by the time the sun goes down. How come parents show concern when they don't have to, and when you'd like them to, they just say mundane things like "Is it? Ok, take care ah, need taxi fare for work?"
Oh well. So, I go in, and the place is empty save for P-man. I was wondering why that Edison boy didnt ask me where I was, and then the truth unfolded like a fuckin bad dream that goes on while you're still conscious. Mind you, I really wasn't in the mood to handle petty "Why you never come that day, play me out, I the only one here you know, KNNBCCB, I hate people who play me out, blah blah blah". I tried not to let the whiskey kick in though. So, I apologized for not informing him earlier that I'm not in on Friday, just 10 minutes earlier and the clown wouldn't have stepped into office and wasted his entire day with me and ML not around.
Oh well, I wanna see how this lasts. I didn't rape your girlfriend right, you mofo, sulk all you want, I really wasn't in the mood. You got the fuckin apology from me summore. Plus, I told you we treat each other like brothers not as colleagues, and if you just don't get how that relationship works, then I really can't help you. Good luck in your future endeavours.
So, both my bosses walk in at 11- ish. The new one goes, "So you are Shanker". The old one says "Sit sit I want to do briefing". And then, life goes on. Talk bout work related stuff finish, the new one left for somewhere, the old one was clearing overdue emails. Since I am an impatient fucker, I skipped lunch to have some alone time with ma "godfather". Lo and behold, apparently, my godfather saved my ass when I wasn't around. See, sucking up is good. Just tell a man from time to time when to put ball, when to eat ball, which scoreline looks very good, and he will save your arse when the time comes.
Also, an unsung hero has popped out from the woodwork. Never expected her to be the lynchpin in this entire "Let's not be petty losers" fiasco. So, for that Rosalind, my thanks. You didn't have to. But you did. To my boss, "ah better, this is what I expect out of a godfather".
So, now I is in the clear. Nothing can be dredged up anymore. Even if the P-man goes through another psychological relapse. Which he nearly did today. See, the fucker now finds it so uncomfortable to sit in the office with me around, so he moves to another place, citing a lack of computer resources as his reason. Well better still. I was thinking of practising my half cocked head menacing stare routine this morning. And his wife keeps calling and calling and calling the office phone looking for him. People not in, I just say not in lor. How, I know the lady got some medical issue need her mofo hubby who carries a handphone just to switch it off in the office to fetch her to the hospital. Is it if it's so serious you can just go yourself? Especially when the soda-bottle blathering idiot is prolly skiving elsewhere?
So, our friend ONLY realizes his wife is in desperate need of him at about 5 in the evening. Talk about a man there for you when you need him most. And then from 5 to 530 while lobbying for half day leave tomorrow to send his sickly spouse to the hospital, the P-man and my boss get into a massive stand off. I was glad. I practically was grinning from ear to ear when I ushered Edi and ML out to get to the smoking point. I have no idea if the fucker got what he wanted, but I saw him at 545 relogging into the system. Someone has OT! Mwahahahhahhahaha.
If you thought this saga is now over and I shan't diss the "P" no more. Haha. This is just the beginning. Now, my platform is secure. It's exactly 30 days and counting for me to leave, and boy am I going to give him a celebration for the great life he leads. Now, we lie. Awaiting in the Serengeti, where the antelope run free and wild and get caught somehow with teeth through their neck, blood spattering. Picking off the spoils, fighting off vultures. Yum!
30th June 2006
Haywire la. Everything has gone haywire. Why why why. Why do I meet such a foe? Someone too old for me to hit, someone too dumb for me to talk logic too, someone who doesn't understand the words flexibility, friendship, fuck off?
I wasn't at work on Thursday, and today and Wednesday. Call it a gentle rebellion if you will. You want official certification, I'll give it to you photostats and all motherfucker. Of course, when you attempt to pull a stunt, albeit as legal as this one, do try to have a good network of friends hanging around the office covering your ass.
As it seems, the P man went to bitch bout me. Not to the old boss mind you. But the new one. WTF right! He asks for some alone time, throws Edi and ML out of the office and proceeds to talk about my discipline or apparent lack of. See, this is all fine if I was in an early morning sleep drowsy state. As luck would have it, I was drowsy but not cos of too much sleep, rather due to lack of sleep. Once I got beeped of these proceedings, I just HAD to call office, and speak to the P-man. Speak isnt the word I'd use though. I believe it should be "fuck up". Yes, in no less than 3-4 languages, vulgarities sprinkled like mozzarella on a hot pan curry chicken. Also somewhere in there I had happened to voice "You just wait in office for me, I'm coming in now, you wait ah, don't go anywhere".
Would you guess what happened? P-man took 1/2 day leave and ran off. Ran off. This motherfucker who dares to bitch and complain and stab about an issue that apparently was none of his concern in the first place, runs off at the first sign of a confrontation. But before he ran off, he managed to call a few people who are mutual to me and him and try and rally support. These same few people called me later at night, asking me not to do anything drastic that this is in fact quite normal in his way of doing things. My only response, "then his way has to stop doesn't it?".
The oldies are now planning a big peace settlement table talk at some external non descript coffeeshop over prata and coffee on Monday. I think I shall go and state my stipulations.
1. If we wanna have a talk, you don't talk. Only I and the external parties do.
2. You and me, no more even my first name basis. You call me Sir, I'll call you Oi.
3. This is my one and final warning. You attempt to fuck me again. I'll fuck your first wife up. And I mean stranded upside down up. [Read: Good luck to your Kelisa mofo after I'm done with it]
27th June 2006
Tempers flared today. And it was violent. As I am a now the exemplary D for Discipline boy, I was in office like at 730 liao. This is compared to my usual 830 stroll ins.
Some early morning smokes with Rene, who managed to register his absolute disgust at not wagering a big enough sum the night that passed. Apparently, now Rene dreams of soccer results. The last time he dreamt about a 4-4 soccer match. The scoreline came out in a Singapore Cup match. This time around he claims it was raining and then Ukraine won. Ukraine did win. But lan jiao it rained. He was adamant that instead of dreaming at night while it was too late, he should instead take an afternoon nap so he can dream up the night's results. We is all wishing him much luck in his cockanathan fantasies.
P-motherfucker, even though he got rapped for coming in late to work the last time, strolled in at 815. The nerve. The last time he got fucked, he put the blame on me, reminding me to make it earlier the next time. The nerve. Today he still came late. The nerve. Ok, before my nerves popped, cos if you insist you can teach me to scratch my back, you damn fuckin well be spotless clean yourself, I went for another smoke. Bad move.
Beep Beep. Ed smsed me "Can you come back here FAST!". I threw 3/4 of my stick away and dashed. Never been so active, I , before breakfast before. Went in to see this:
P: E, come here and sit down for the briefing.
P: Come here now!
E: No! What you gonna do about it!
P: I said come here right, you better have some respect, I need to brief you about something important!
E: Eh, hello. I left 10 days here only. Just brief the new guy la, don't waste my fucking time!
P: [Rushing over to him] I'm telling you again right! You come there now and listen to my briefing!
E: Wah! You want to slap me izzit! Slap la slap!
P: You don't force me to proceed ah!E: Proceed la! Proceed back home! No one wants you here! Don't come up with stupid things everyday! You're not even in the loop about anything you dare to brief things like as if you do all the work! Fuck you la!
ME: Come, lets go eat.
Me: Wah, the Ukraine match was quite power packed ah. [and then breakfast flows while the mystery important briefing of the century went on]
You'd think this early morning episode of utter degrading disrespect was enough for the old fogey to simply hide under some corner of a table and cry like a whimpering child who lost his last token at the funfair. But no! My boss walks in like an hour later, and he talks a lot. My godpa talks. We all listen. Especially me. I listened a bit more intently, hoping there is some work for me to do. And yes, subliminally there was. Yippe!
P-man's fingers kept flying across the keyboard though. He looked hard at work. Till we realized what the fuck he was hard at work about. The same issue I asked him to just shut the fuck up and move on like an abusive ex-bfren, he raised again, this time in an email, adequately carbon copying my boss and my new incoming boss.
This was the fate of that email:
ME: Ah, KNN, nabei spend whole morning to type this bullshit. A lot of time ah that bastard. *Hit Delete*
Edi: Waste my time. *Hit Delete*
ML: Huh? What's that? Sir, don't delete lei lemme read first. [I proceed to hit delete and delete all deleted items too]
Boss: *Grunt*Hit Delete*
New Boss: "Urmz, P-man, actually what the fuck are you talking about. Since the first day I've walked into this organization, this is the way things are what. What has changed? Unless I am making wrong assumptions?"
Hahahaha. My new boss cracks me up la. Mainly cos he DIDN'T hit delete and bothered to be sarcastic about it. I'm sure me and him is gonna have a great July.
The day is still not done. Now, the P-man cannot stay in office without getting stared at till he's so uncomfortable he leaves. Explains why the D for Discipline, S for Soldier superhero worker managed to take lunch from 12 all the way till 3. Even I don't dare be that Champion ah! KNNBCCB. Of course, RAW is WAR now. Guess who alerted my boss to his non-presence? Damn. The next few days are gonna be real fun. I hope. The alliances are set. It's all against one. I just hope he doesn't get mentally unstable and do something stupid like shove a sharpened pencil into one of our ears. That would hurt. Many many.
RT's statement of the day: "Poobs has had his pubes ripped off one by one". Ouch!
26th June 2006
Ruckus. A word I used today. On the P-Man. And he got affected. And he came to me with the whole you cannot speak to me that way. What is it that you meant? What is it you are tryin to put across. I find it fuckin weird that I am forced to handle questions from an illogical bufoon who is so far back in time, even the dinosaurs would have spat their phlegm at him and sent him back further.
Back to the days of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden where he probably had nothing to do but count the number of fruits and shrubs and plants and note them into an inventory list. Eventually he did go mad, cos it's such a flexible and fluctuating list. Coupled with his big soda-bottle glasses that oughta have Eve's titties in full zoom mode everytime she was prancing about. As such, that he was teleported over here, I now believe in the Twillight Zone and in alternate dimensions and also that the Devil does exist.
To manage. It is hard to manage someone like me. This i know to be very true and I shan't shun the fact. However much I have a problem with authority, what happens when the "authority" aint supposed to be sitting in the "authority" chair at all. I.e. He assumes he is the authority by default. Just cos, the boss is out of office.
This is for anyone and everyone who is already in my organization, whether slaving away at the whims and fancies of the gahmen or thinking of procuring what they call a "iron rice bowl". By the way, the iron has started to rust. Like any big corporation, many have got laid off and asked to fuck off already coupled with a golden handshake
1. Have many friends.
Sounds cliche. But something important to note always in any work environment. If you think more than 50% of your colleagues hate you or your guts, transfer out. Or start being the one who buys lunch, buys the cookies, replenishes the perishables in the pantry and what not. You will only realize the true value of having people watch your back when crisis hits. And that is why, this crisis passed on like how Katrina missed one or two teeny weeny islands on the way to New Orleans. I'm still thinking whose face I glimpsed on in the morning, for me to have the aggressor's own subordinate work out a masterplan for me. It's days like these that there is no 4D draw for me to test my pensive luck also.
2. Kill your enemies. Quick.
No man is an island. Fair enough. Be the sea that engulfs the motherfuckers then. Don't play nice boy/girl. This is not work, this is war. Be aware that every step you take, there are motherfuckers who hate the way you are, the position you are at and the people you are chummy with. Your own superior could be your no.1 enemy. Learn how to spot enemies fast. You never wanna be in a situation where a "friend" is actually an "enemy". This is where backstabbing comes into play. Why does it happen? You exposed your back first. So, be wary. And when you have decided who is who, prioritize. And go in for the kill. Keep any email that can even be vaguely incriminating. Any instance of a slight deviation from the prim and proper rules and regulations, note down in a little 555 notebook. Trust me. Leverage is everything.
3. Know the law.
Practice and procedure are 2 different things. In the highly theoretical world, everything flows by the book. Alas, not so. The book was printed to mainly "cover your backside" in case of any large cock ups. Trust me, there will be. So, don't deviate too much from the book. Best way to piss off an errant employee. Follow the book when he doesn't. Quote by-laws and directives like scripture. Take shortcuts when he doesn't. Take it slow when he does. One day he will blow. IT happens. We're human. And then throw the book at him. Show him why BY LAW, he can't touch you cos you have DONE NOTHING WRONG. For example, using my example, why would I need to produce certification that I was sick and dying of some fever or the other in bed, when the records show that I was NOT. That I was present. Throw the big black book when you have to. Heed this well, and you'll never see the inside of a cell, ever.
4. Go above and over your duty for your superiors.
Call it bootlicking. Call it ball grabbing. Call it what you wanna call it. If someone likes that book you're reading. Lend it to them. If someone likes those cookies you're eating, buy them a pack tomorrow. If someone plays golf, Tiger Woods is your new best friend. If someone loves to gamble on soccer, offer to go buy the ticket during office hours. Gives you something to do, lets him not concentrate on this trivial matter. Your boss is your superhero. For those 9 hours at least. Make him feel like one. What would Batman do if Robin always second guessed him? What would Cyclops feel if Jean Grey didn't wanna give him some?
5. Choose an identity and work it.
See, people have different ways and ideologies and ethics by which they work. So, some predominantly sway to being a hero, a villain, a nerd, a sucker, an idiot, an incompetent fool. The list goes on. But choose your identity early. If you know your dominant trait is effortless bootlicking. So be it. But whichever role you choose, do it classily. You still need friends, back to Point 1. I have chosen the villainous way. Mojo Jojo always made more sense than the PowerPuff Girls. So did The Penguin, Joker, Mr. Freeze, Magneto and Ming the Merciless to name a few. I seem to be bloodthirsty to langgar with people. I don't know why.
I attribute it to that people shouldnt even have that thought in their head. A bit delusional yes. But how will I ever guage who was the stronger one if I don't langgar first. Not like I look for it. It just comes. Joker doesn't call Batman and say he's gonna rob the bank. He just goes and does it. And then the Batmobile revs into action. See, if someone pops into my path, what can I do? For now, I have great plans for a little blue Kelisa sitting in a carpark in AMK. Overturned? On the side? Sunny side up? Poached? Scrambled? I don't know. I'll know when I get to it.
23rd June 2006
Alas, the bane of working with 2 complete idiots. The P-Man and ML. I am now stuck in this big fiasco and could be charged and branded a cheat or what not just cos the mudderfucker P-man decides to conveniently indicate that I am on medical leave. In actual fact, I was just not around. My text message in the morning to him read : "I'm feelin sick, not takin your ride. Don't wait up for me". He reflected me as MC-MC-MC.
That these 3 days coincided with my boss being on overseas leave is just not anyone's concern really. This is what happens. It is an issue and a privilege I share after putting in 3 years 2 months 24 days into this organization. Familiarity breeds contempt. Contempt of being forced to walk into a joint where you have no purpose. Just like today, my priceless comment: "It's pretty hard to be sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Doing nothing is much much more painful than doing something".
I ALMOST had my Bing book to read, except my other major, whom I've worked under before, swaggered in, chit chat, and then borrowed the book never to return till 4 in the evening. So, now I'm stuck. I've been at home for those 3 days. I could have been out. I forgot.
However, now I'm supposed to conjure up 3 days worth of medical leave within 1 weekend and produce it to the authorities or else I face reading Schindler's list in a darkened jail cell. Ok la, not so drastic. I still have friends who can cover my back.
19th June 2006
So, the big event that me and Edi and NOT P-man [he was on leave for a week cos the original forum was meant to be on the 1st of June and he had some doofus course to attend], has culminated and climaxed into a huge success.I like organizing events. Especially when stuff falls into place.
And ultimately, I've done soo many events already in my lifetime that even the nitty gritty is getting damn boring. And of course the kan cheong spiders amongst the team I work with, who have no idea how to stop adn smell the tobacco. Smoke more! Worry less! Which is why we were so glad the P-man wasn't part of any process.
Oh wait! He was. He came back one evening to clear his email at about 7 pm when the rest of us had already left. So, the next morning we find a slew of mails out from him, most of them addressing issues that I had already settled in the past few days. This is fuckin fuckin irritating! Motherfucker!
In one move, you've made yourself look stupid, make it seem like one person in the office doesnt know what the others are up to, and looked like a dumb fuck suck up.
5th June 2006
Today, I took a taxi to work and the train back. Why? Cos, I and the P-Man have split ways. For good. I was nice at first. But, seriously, don't attempt to disrespect me or hint at something you think is quite funny but I don't, when I outrank you and am your only friend in the office.
Obi good loh.
Now, you have no friend. You have no life. I will slowly but surely, funnel you into that corner old man. And squeeze the last breath of air out of your lifeless vegetative corpse. Enjoy. Oh yes, that threat about, waking up and finding your small Kelisa flipped over in that carpark lot.
Not a joke. I AM CAPABLE. Who ask you buy house in Ang Mo Kio? Dumb ass.
30th May 2006
Early in the morning, I had to frantically sms the P-man to wait up for me. So worried I was that since I didn't take his ride the past few days, he'd forget bout me and zoom off. Ok, a guy who keeps to speed limits and holds up traffic can never actually zoom off, but still. I rush and rush and rush, and the fucker himself comes late.
How like that? Unknownst to me, Edison and the P-man had a huge ass flare up last Friday. Culminating in a lot of cussing, swearing, name calling and hitting of the weak spot. All by my boy, Eddie. Now with brand new waxed up hair fresh from HK. But when he came to bitch to me, he opened it with: "You la! Not around! If not sure won't fight!". I went, "You la! So stupid! Never wait for backup to go pick a fight. Don't know any fight must have good strong backup is it?"
So, the P-man starts this whole Edison has no manners, no communications skills, gonna die when released into the outside world with this kinda personality clashes, sir, talk some sense into him, i know you his friend, but you gotta instill discipline in your underlings. Now the fella really irritated me and put me in a spot. How to deal man? Like this:
"If I give him something to do, he do ma. Boss give him things to do he also do ma. So he don't do for you means it's your personal issue. He don't like you. You should sort it out. You are the senior after all."
Phew. I see the P-man nodding once or twice in approval and I know I is has diplomatically escaped. Then, during breakfast, Edison gave me the A-bomb. P-man has apparently been seeding my boss and edison with the notion that my high fever and pops in hospital is but a huge farce. That I'm jus snoozing at home. Ok, this did it! Majorly! He is now my sworn enemy and I'm bringing him down. But slowly la. Revenge must plan. And I still need my morning and evening rides. Train fare not cheap you know.
19th May 2006
The P-man struck today again. For part 1 of his antics, click here
Today the P-man got on my nerves so much, I just "pulled" rank for the first time in my life on a fellow colleague. Told him, I'll take over the organizing of the upcoming event for now, and all YOU need to do is take instructions and carry them out well. To his nonsensical blabbering after that, I went uh-huh uh-huh but I the boss now. You not happy? I'll tell boss I the boss of this. So you want to work under me? OR you wanna do your own thing?
The P-man relented, said okok that's a good idea. Burden off his chest bullshit. And gave me a lift home. That is a given la. That's why I havent do major fucking up yet. KNN!!!! AAAAAAARGH! Why I never believe Edison when he told me! WHY! WHY! WHY!
13th May 2006
Now picture this, a meeting takes place in February. But the minutes of the meeting is done and sent out only in May! Work given now, is only started on next week, due to the fuckin ineffectiveness, ineptitude and hare-brainess of said individual. He's the guy who in a fire, doesn't run for his life, but chooses to email the head office saying there are not enough fire extinguishers at the office. Tell me la, what to do with this kinda peeper all? I'm 24, he's 40. I outrank him. I can fuck him. I can put him in his place in place of my boss. I can I can I can. Yet, I shouldn't. Why? Cos, he dutifully sends me to work and fetches me back since he is my neighbour.
My only payment for this service is listening to his long winded bitching and his wayward thinking about his delusional life in which he is right and my boss is wrong. I feel so two-timing. Nod head here. Nod head there. Grit my teeth and wait for my turn to use the computer so I can clear work from January. Basically, that's about what I do each day. Not focussing on MY work, but clearing HIS work. The backlog is from here to the moon! And if I don't clear it. Everyone's work don't move. My boss can't be seen clearing it, though he gets soo exasperated that he just does it on the sly sometimes. In constant irritation la.
Thank god, Edison is back from HK. At least, I have company for lunch, smoke breaks, bitching sessions, after work beers now. Not to mention the occasional 'tuang' [to malinger] portions. Where we both just go missing. A la X files missing. And return mysteriously from our "alien abduction" going "Aiya..you lookin for us don't know how to call handphone meh? We just [insert number] floor talking to that that [insert rank greater than individual questioning us] ma.... so stress for what?"
But, now for the flowchart. Or the P-chart, name coined for a variety of Indian vulgarities and the initial of the man who influenced it. The "how-NOT-to-arrange-a-meeting" chart.
1. Choose date and time to hold meeting
2. Clear this date and time with the boss's schedule. Expect 3-4 more visits to Step 1.
3. Now that a full month has been wasted and meeting has been set to just 2 days to go, frantically e-mail all who are concerned to attend the goddamn thing.
4. When no one emails you back, pissed off about your late notification, call them and ask them to come.
5. When everyone still gives half-fuck excuses or tells you to go fly kite saying they already have something on, email from your boss's account. Or tell your boss to email them.
6. Day arrives, and only a "suitable replacement" from each unit arrives. The main men know better than to waste their time.
7. Don't book the conference room ahead of time. Attempt to sneak in when no one is expecting you, or better still just wait outside and ride off the last meeting so you can say you're actually "part of them" but they left first.
8. When you get chased out, call up favours from everywhere else and secure THEIR conference room. Move your folks there.
9. Instead of rushing to be the first at the new location so as to set up the slides and projector, fixate your attention on drawing a beautiful sign that says: The Meeting has moved to so-and-so place. Leave your folks stranded at new location till you arrive.
10. Arrive and realize there is no computer and now you gotta loan a laptop from someplace.
11. Realize that your files are no more in the network cos your fucking email capacity was full and the msg didnt get sent out anyway.
12. Take another 1 hour to sort out your nonsense while the rest fume and smoke and drink coffee and wait.
13. Start the meeting and don't do basic stuff, like take attendance.
14. When it comes to your turn when the chairman [my boss] goes "any questions", bring up a totally unrelated point which no one thought to think about cos it's well, unrelated.
15. Rouse their curiosity and await to get shot down. Get shot down by your own boss in front of 15 outsiders by this pristine statement, "Is it in black and white? No? You already unsure, still say you think you think, knnb you bring up this crap for what?"
16. Grumble beneath your breath to closest man [that would be me], on how long winded your boss is.
17. Wrap up the meeting, thank everyone like they just gave you a million dollars for attending and rush up to type the minutes cos it's still fresh in your mind lest you forget any facts.
18. Forget some important facts and bug me and the boss for the next few hours, making us digest our lunch in just 5 mins while replying to your hare-brained questions.
19. Type the minutes, and constantly modify the font, justification and paragraphing while accidentally deleting whole sections cos you just don't know a mouse needs to be "sayang"ed not brute-forced.
20. Finish the minutes, in 5 months. Endure a good shellacking everyday of those 5 months when people can't find anything else to fuck you up on.
Tada! My 20 point list. Steady boh? I tell you, lucky I patient fella. Back to my boss being great, I leave you with his 2 quotable quotes of this week. Ones that I just buay tahan, fuckin laugh till cry. Even though a coupla bigger guns were lookin on. They see my reaction, they also laugh. They laugh only the rest of the "we can appreciate jokes only when the big bosses appreciate them" people laugh. All laugh. Cos it's super fuckin funny.
When some smart aleck science geek fella said of lightning risks: "Aiya, Sir, when out in the field no need to so zhun zhun give people lightning information ma. Just see the light, count how many seconds to the thunder than you know la, the storm how far away."
My boss replied offhandedly: "Ya ya, you can do that also. What I worry is that, that light he see becomes his last lightning. Then left who to count the seconds?"
The P-man: "Don't worry sir, I rush it to you in a while/I work on it in 5 minutes time/I will finish it by the time we leave/First thing in the morning I show you."
My boss: "Eh, you ah, type type also use 2 finger like praying mantis. Like this how to fight war? Hor hor? [thump hands on table] Like this how to fight war??!?!!?!?!?"